Romneybot, the distinguished robot from the future who has been sent here to win the hearts of Republicans with awkwardness and boredom, has finally made a move. Romneybot, having recently updated his drivers and defragmented himself, has SUCCEEDED despite the dastardly schemes of Pincushion Gingrich. I call him that because he looks like a pincushion, and he can take brutal stabbings like a champ. Did you see the debates? Tons of stabbings. Immeasurable offenses. Lots of sharp, needling points. Pincushion Gingrich turned them all into chocolate molasses for the masses. But in the state of Florida, he couldn’t hack the Romneybot and now he’ll go home to lie with his wife (correction: lie to his wife) to watch the rest unfold. Actually I kind of doubt Gingrich is ready to return home to his wife, so he may stick in the race just for the pure fuckin’ hell of it. Meanwhile, Romneybot finally surpassed the stage he (it?) was stuck on for so long: he finally caused people to react with something beyond just A) mild satisfaction and/or B) mild dissatisfaction. He’s not even close to causing any real passion or excitement of any kind in anyone anywhere, but then again he wasn’t designed for it.
Despite his few upgrades, I think Romneybot will still lose the general election in November and eventually slip back into his energy-saving hibernation mode. I kind of liked Gingrich, though, and I’ll miss him and his boisterousnesses and his grandiosities and his theatricalities. I hated his ideas, but they were at least really, really entertaining. I do hope that he keeps pushing for that moon colony because when I eventually retire, I’ll be wanting to get as far away from adults, children, animals, and all other forms of life as possible. I think the moon may be my Florida someday. Maybe I’ll play bridge with Newt and his future ex-current-ex half-wife.
